Research for school

[Matthew Tucker]

Its a really good paper, well researched and entertaining to read. I learned some good stuff too! I can't find much "wrong" in there.

What is "ehm"? (last page)

My main comment as to "wierdness" is the change of style from conversational to more formal and back again. Although the conversational style is sometimes easier to read, i think you'll get better marks for this sort of thing if your style is consistent and appropriate to the purpose.

If I were you, I'd try not to use "isn't" and "hasn't" and "can't" and "wouldn't" - these are OK in conversation or in email or in a play but not usually in a research paper.

eg: "At first glance, you wouldn’t say the double bass had much to do with the development of the orchestra as we know it. When we take a closer look, however, it isn’t just that someone couldn’t be bothered with these basses and decided to leave them somewhere at the back"

Might be better without the "you" and "we", like:

"At first glance, the double bass may not appear to have had much to do with the development of the orchestra as we know it. A closer look, however, shows that the instrument has had a far greater influence ... "

also watch small sentences like "Or the basses. Easy choice." Not really IMO right for a research paper.

Also the very last paragraph like the introduction is again a very different - and much more casual - style to most of the article. I realise this is your personal conclusion and I think this is how it should be, so its fine to say "I expect", "I suppose" etc, but I would still try to make it a little more formal and definitely NOT use a sentence like "But one can’t say the double bass didn’t have any influence on the history of music, can one?" as the last thing we will remember!! that bit sounds like it's been written by the Queen of England!!!

I hope this is the sort of feedback you were after?

Well done and good luck with your second draft.

[Paulien van Mourik]

After a week of schoolexams, I find I have the time to do anything other than learning again
Thanks guys, for taking the time to read it, and comment on it (extensively so).

I shall remove the "ehm", that's just a figure of speech meaning "um".

Originally Posted by Matthew Tucker

My main comment as to "wierdness" is the change of style from conversational to more formal and back again. Although the conversational style is sometimes easier to read, i think you'll get better marks for this sort of thing if your style is consistent and appropriate to the purpose.

I thought that it was okay to change style since it was the introduction and conclusion, but maybe I should save the joking for the preface and keep the rest formal.

Originally Posted by Matthew Tucker

If I were you, I'd try not to use "isn't" and "hasn't" and "can't" and "wouldn't"

I was actually gonna remove those in the second version, but I'd almost forgotten

As for the "one", that's what we learned at school to use instead of "people" and "you", "we" etc. I guess when you read it like that, it does seem a bit out of place, though.

Again, thanks for the help, I'm gonna go change my paper now